Sit with It

At the core of experiential acceptance is learning the skill of sitting with our emotions. It is letting ourselves be with our feelings, without trying to change them. As discussed in the last post, this is not only different from distraction or avoidance which seeks to shut down feelings. It is also different from getting entangled with emotions through analysis or stuck on dwelling on your feelings. This is allowing emotion to come and go in its natural cycle, neither pushing it away too quickly, or dragging it out too much.

This is hard. It requires trust that if you let yourself experience a feeling, you will not become unmanageably overwhelmed. Trust that the feeling won't become permanent. Trust that trying this is part of a path to healing rather than just more difficulty.

Where to Begin?

I have mentioned the basic skill of noting a lot throughout my writing on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Now it's time to expand on that. If you haven't read anything else, or practiced noting, that's not a problem at all.

Below is a basic walk through, from the therapist and blogger Nisha Patel, LICSW. This is the step-by-step I suggest to my clients when they are learning and practicing experiential acceptance. Let's take a look:

Let's take the first three, which all fall under the skill of noting:

1. Pause and notice. Take a moment. Take a breath. Don't try to do this and something else at the same time. Give yourself space.

2. Find the feeling in your body. What do you notice? Is there a part of you that feels tense, or hot or cold, or numb or tingly?

3. Name the feeling. Start simple: happy, sad, excited, angry, embarrassed, afraid, jealous.

   
   

Some people have trouble naming what they are experiencing, in terms of the emotions. It's helpful to be able to take the sensation which is felt and see what it might be using a tool like this, developed by therapist Lindsay Braman. If you have a sensation and it points to another emotion (not what the wheel says) go with what YOU are experiencing. We do feel emotions differently.

4. Regulate the emotion. This is the hard part. Staying with the feeling without getting tangled.

The key, when you are ready to work on this skill, is to soothe but not distract. Think deep breathing, taking a walk, wrapping yourself in a blanket, getting a hug, or sipping some tea. What you choose should feel comforting physically without taking you out of your mind (so no phone or no alcohol for example). It's okay if the feeling fades. Indeed, that's the point.

It also needs to be congruent with your values - something we'll get to in a later post. This is where ACT really shines as a therapeutic approach. What do you choose to self-sooth? Doesn't matter, as long as it's soothing and meets your values and goals. And that helps us set the boundaries for our choices. It's not "anything goes if it works." It's "How have I committed to acting in this world, and so what are my choices to navigate this now?"

And lastly...

5. What is the need pointing to?

Are you hungry, angry, lonely, or tired? When was the last time you took a break? Are your boundaries being pushed? Do you need to pray? Our emotions (and urges, memories, and desires) point us in different directions. They are information about what is stirring in us and what we need to pay attention to. Again, it's not permission to do whatever we want to fulfill that need. It might not be a good idea to dwell on the memory or listen to the desire or entertain the thought. We stay within our values. But behind these things are likely important clues as to what we could do to help.

What Would it Take?

It's okay to consider for yourself whether you're up for this work. If you know this is something you struggle with, I encourage you to pray about what to do. It might be to commit to trying these exercises. Or it might be to reach out to a therapist who can help you in this journey. Or to look at more online ACT resources like The Happiness Trap course. Deciding to make changes is a difficult choice and the journey isn't easy.